Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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