Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
