I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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