Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
