Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
