Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
