Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
