nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
