Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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