So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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