watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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