I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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