he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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