Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
