Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
