What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
