I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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