Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
