it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
