I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
