She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
