Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
