Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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