I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
