so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
