after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
