I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
