I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
