Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
