i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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