He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize