One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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