Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
