the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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