EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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