Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
