Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
