smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
