Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
