see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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