when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ladies don't puke and tell
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