Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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