I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
