I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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