i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
