you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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