I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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