not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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