it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
