You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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