If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
